


Matchmaking Mastermind

by hermione_vader



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Crack, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Humor, M/M, Matchmaking, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-09
Updated: 2013-04-08
Packaged: 2017-12-07 22:44:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/753925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hermione_vader/pseuds/hermione_vader
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Originally written for avengerkink.  Deadpool gets it into his wacky head that all of the Avengers would be great together as couples in all the various combinations he can think of.  Hell, he'll ship them with objects if it strikes his fancy (he's particularly fond of Hawkeye/Bow).  Is he doing this just because he's crazy or because someone's caught his eye?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original prompt [here](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/3266.html?thread=2155202).

Roses were a nice gesture. Steve had never gotten roses before. Now if he could just figure out why Tony sent him roses. At S.H.I.E.L.D., of all places. 

"Tony, did you trim these from a bush with a machete?" Steve asked, holding out the choppy-stemmed bouquet. 

"Excuse me?"

"They're from you. I have the note." Steve took the crumpled paper out of his pocket. "'To Steve: Stay sexy, gorgeous. Saying anything about my feelings for you would totally ruin my snark-tastic public persona, so here, have these. XOXO, Tony Stark, the Invincible Iron Man and Golden Avenger'"

Tony snatched the paper out of his hand and read it again under his breath. "Steve. Seriously. There are a couple of big reasons this can't be from me: One, this isn't my handwriting. Two, I have never billed myself as 'The Invincible Iron Man' or 'The Golden Avenger,' but I should probably copyright those just in case. Three, I don't send flowers. Ever. Four, if I ever did send flowers, I would use FTD, not a machete."

"It was a katana!" A familiar-looking figure in a red-and-black jumpsuit somersaulted into the room. "And they were not easy to come by, let me tell you---"

"You're...Deadman, was it?" Steve remembered the man bursting into the middle of a battle and falling to his knees, staring up at Captain America in wonder. He'd babbled a lot, too.

"Deadpool. But you getting half of it right makes my day, Cap!"

Tony rolled his eyes. "Wilson. What the hell do you want?"

"Your undying happiness, of course!" Deadpool clapped their shoulders. "You two need each other! I can see it, the 16-year-old fangirls can see, and when have we ever been wrong?"

"We...need each other?" Steve wondered if this was some modern slang.

"Yes, like Jack and Ennis, the Doctor and Captain Jack! You're made for each other!" Deadpool threw his hands up in the air, then flipped backwards.

Steve glanced at Tony, who looked alarmed and intrigued.

"You think we're on the 'down-low'?" Tony asked with an almost calculated hesitance.

Deadpool nodded. "How could you not be? Danno and McGarrett are straighter than you guys. The unresolved sexual tension has to stop."

Steve stepped back. "Unresolved sexual tension?"

"Well, yeah, the audience isn't stupid. I'm only stupid if the writer thinks I should be."

"The writer? What are you talking about?"

Before Deadpool could answer, Thor strode in wearing overalls and he gave Deadpool one of his patented bear hugs. In overalls.

"Deadpool! What business brings you to S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters on this fine day?" Thor beamed and Steve saw Deadpool's knees knock together. 

The mercenary pulled his mask halfway up and giggled. "True love, dude!"

"Really? And who might your fair one be?" Thor looked at Steve the way he normal reserved for Pop Tarts.

"Oh, not my true love. Theirs." Deadpool waved his hand in Steve and Tony's direction.

"Really?"

"Yeah, but I'll work more on that later." Deadpool grabbed the Thor's overall straps. "I just love that you decided to give these a try! They look way better than I imagined. Not that I imagined it a lot. Or at all. Because I'm most definitely heterosexual."

Thor laughed. "I'm glad you like them. I find them to be most comfortable."

"I knew you would. So, Thor, buddy, what are we going to do today?" Deadpool rested his head on Thor's shoulder. Steve tried to turn and leave to give them privacy, but Tony grabbed his arm. 

Thor paused. "Aren't we going to continue our study of Midgardian culture?"

Deadpool slung his arm around Thor's shoulder and they sauntered towards the door. "Right you are! Which should we watch today: uber-fun epics (Star Wars or Lord of the Rings) or reality TV (Dancing with the Stars or Toddlers and Tiaras)?"

Steve stood in confused silence for a few moments as they walked out.

"I think he's projecting," Tony said.

"You mean Deadpool?" 

"Yeah, about us being in love."

"He sees what he wants to see?" 

"Exactly. Because he doesn't want to see it somewhere else." Tony smirked.

"Huh." Steve thought he understood, but his head was still spinning.


	2. Chapter 2

The next day, Steve was in the hallway when he heard two shots ring out from the conference room. He ran in and found Natasha standing on the table. She'd drawn her gun on Deadpool, who lay spread-eagle on the floor.

"What in hell makes you think I would ever sleep with you?" she snapped.

Deadpool put his hands behind his head. "All I'm saying, Agent Romanov, is that the world never got a Ryan and Scarlett sex tape, so we should just do everyone a favor and---"

She shot him again. Steve cringed.

Deadpool just laughed. "Whoa, alright! You do know that four shots makes this a fetish, right?" He sat up and noticed Steve. "Hey, Cap! Convince her I'm right. For truth, justice, and the American Way...wait, that's someone else. Until his 900th issue, anyway."

"Okay, what kind of party is this?" Tony asked as he entered the conference room.

"A proposition gone sour, I think," Steve said hesitantly. "Do you know who Ryan and Scarlett are?"

"Gimme a sec." Tony whipped out his cell phone and his fingers scrolled lightning fast until he pulled up a YouTube video. "Found 'em. Chihuahuas should not be allow to do that to each other."

Steve looked away, trying not to blush. "You're a sick man, Deadpool."

"Thank you! I do try my best! But I wasn't talking about that thing at all." Deadpool stood up and the bullets popped out of his skin, making an odd sucking noise. "Anyway, I gotta go, but if you guys have any ideas about Thor's carnal desires, here's my card. Seriously, I have no idea who he's into." He tossed two playing cards at them.

Steve picked up one of the cards off the floor. "These are just those kings stabbing themselves in the neck with a phone number scrawled on the back."

"EXACTLY!" Deadpool shouted. Then he leapt out of the room.

*

Two days after that incident, all of the Avengers were gathered in the conference room when Loki teleported onto the table.

"Which one of you sent me THIS?" Loki snarled in a low, not-quite-quiet voice. He brandished a waffle iron wrapped in neon pink, orange, blue, yellow, and green thongs. His green eyes looked snake-like and his face was taut with simmering rage.

"I do not know, brother," Thor answered in an uncharacteristically calm tone, "but perhaps it was the same person who did this." Thor's face broke into a grim smile and he pulled out Mjolnir, which sported a full and pouty pink lipstick mouth.

"That's nothing," Coulson remarked from the back of the room. "Last week, Deadpool tried to set me up on a dinner date with Director Fury and Deputy Director Dugan."

Clint nodded. "My bow wore a red bra on Friday."

"Might I suggest an intervention?" Tony interjected.

Steve nodded, sighed, and hoped that this wouldn't involve prostituting themselves from a seedy hotel room, like on that TV show.

*

Everyone, minor Loki and plus Fury, gathered in the Mansion's living room the following day. They recounted their awkward and embarassing encounters with Deadpool's romantic machinations, and the whole discussion culminated in Bruce explaining how the mercenary had both harassed him with leafy vegetables and drew a sultry face on his beloved purple stress ball.

"I just...this is my stress ball. No one touches my stress ball. This keeps me calm and now it's been violated." Bruce's breathing went shallow as he held it up. Steve patted him on the shoulder and gave him an encouraging smile.

Fury's good eye glared and so did his eyepatch. "Alright, then. I do not want to have to do this, but someone is going to have to engage in a public display of affection in front of Wilson. With his powers, apprehending him does no good, and talking this over is right out. You all know this. Now we just have to pick which one..."

Tony raised his hand. "I'll do it. With Steve."

Steve's body went numb. "You---what?"

"Sure, why not? You seem like you'd be a decent kisser and---"

"Not that I don't like this plan, but has anyone seen Thor?" Natasha asked.

Just then, a loud THWOMP emanated from upstairs. 

Steve stood up and headed toward the stairs. "I'll go find him."

"And I'll help." Tony followed.

*

As they got closer to Thor's bedroom, they heard moans that got faster and louder until Steve and Tony reached the door. Steve let his hand hover above the doorknob for a few seconds, but a cheeky grin from Tony made him twist it open. Steve immediately felt his face turn fifty shades of red.

A very naked Thor collapsed onto the bed and curled himself around a heavily scarred being (who was also incredibly nude). The scarred person looked over and saw them. He looked dejected and annoyed.

"...I think I deserve this. Oh, yeah, I definitely deserve this." The voice was Deadpool's. 

"Deserve what?" Thor furrowed his brow.

"The seduction, these two goofballs catching us---it was a good plan, buddy." Deadpool sat up and tried to get out of the bed, but Thor grabbed his arm.

"Do not leave, my friend, there was no plan, no seduction. You simply asked me my desires and I showed you." Thor pulled Deadpool back down and kissed him slowly. Steve glanced over at Tony, whose mouth hung up in horror.

"That's what under that suit?" Tony managed to mouth. Steve shrugged.

"I know exactly what you're saying, Stark. And yeah. This is me in all my genetically altered beauty," Deadpool said. "Now please go straight to hell. Cap, you can temporarily go to purgatory."

"I second that!" Thor declared. He lay back, let Deadpool get on top of him, and Steve shut the door.

Once Steve heard the small click, he suddenly felt Tony's lips on his. Tony was a very good kisser, even if his goatee was a bit scratchy.

"There," he said, pulling away from Steve. "We can say we did that for Wilson while Thor gave him what-for."

"Yeah! Because he's the Hero of Asgard, the God they call Thor!!!" Deadpool sang.

"Sure, what he said," Steve agreed. Then he leaned in and kissed Tony again.

As he did, that wacky voice still rang in his ears. "DEADPOOL. WINS."


End file.
